What Time Is It?

He was two when he began to ask with incessant persistence, "Momma what time is it?" By three we had taught him how to decipher the numbers on a digital clock face and not much more than three and a half years had passed before he could read the face of any time telling device with mastery. My eldest son was desperate to know exactly what time it was and precisely what we would be doing at that exact time. Affectionately I refer to him as my palm pilot and still six years later he can tell you to the minute when the Georgia Bulldogs will play their next game and what exact hour and minute he awoke on any given day. To him, life is a series of appointments and he doesn't want to miss a single one. Never one to linger longer than the next appointment will allow, he watches the clock like my chocolate lab watches my hand when a treat hangs in the balance. Just last week I had scheduled a necessary doctor's visit--one I had of course put off longer than I should. On Tuesday I panicked. It was 11:30 and I thought surely I had missed my appointment which was at 10:30. The boys and I were snuggled on the couch pouring over some incredible book about civilizations thousands of years past this calendar day. "Nathan," I instinctively yelped. "My appointment. I missed it." How in the world could I have done something so reckless? The appointment I had procrastinated in making I had now completely missed. The boxing gloves were on and I was pummeling myself in the face and over the head. Why can't I keep my appointments and responsibilities straight? Why am I not a better multi-tasker? Naturally and calmly he grabbed the calendar from a stack of papers and on closer examination we realized I had two more days. The appointment was Thursday. I made it to the appointment. See I tend to be the polar opposite of my son the digital agenda book in human form. I tend to multiple book myself and then wonder why I'm late for everything. And the truth be told if I only book one thing, well, I'm still probably going to be late. I rarely arrive early and I rarely leave early once I've arrived. There are self-help books written for people like me. I've read a few. The next book I plan to read is called, "Balancing Life, Arriving on Time, Looking Great, Eating Great, Being Great, Staying in Shape, Eating Healthy, Saving Your Family Money, Having Girl Time, Having Date Nights, Having Mommy-Son Time, Having God Time, You Too Can Achieve The Balanced Life." But I can't find it in the library search engine. I'll just say from the get-go here that I've met people who are pretty close to qualified to write a book like that. I have. But they are few and they are far between, and I've never looked deeply inside their lives to comment on how it's really going for them while they juggle ten thousand plates. I don't know if any of their plates have come crashing down in a thousands shreds of ironstone about their wrestless feet. It may in fact be very well with their soul. But I think it's pretty safe to say that the vast majority of us may instead find ourselves wondering how in the world do I achieve balance in a world where the demands are incredibly overwhelming and loud? Ecclesiastes 3 says, "For everything there is an appointed time, and an appropriate time for every activity on earth." This past summer while watching as my little men splashed in the county's L-shaped concrete pool my mother said she'd heard a novel message about balance in the Christian life. I wish I could offer credit here to the guy with the new idea, but I don't think she told me his name. And if she did share it with me it is entirely possible that I cursed and spit it out before letting it sink into the long-term memory of my little brain because what busy mother of two boys and wife and sister and daughter and well, you know what I mean, what person wants to hear more about balance? The whole Proverbs 31 evangelicalistic notion that women can do and be everything for everyone can be wearisome to those of us who are natural Martha's as it is. Frankly, there are times when those messages leave us utterly defeated in a heap before our heavenly Father confessing our inadequacies and failures to Him once again. (Hey, I didn't really curse, guys...that was a joke.) "Rhythms," my mom informed me "are what the Christian life is all about. Not balance." Now, I was listening. This was something new to me. As a homeschooling mom, I'd been pondering the idea of the natural rhythm of our family--learning the rhythm, dancing the rhythm, but I'd never consider it's application outside of that arena. She mentioned the passage in Ecclesiastes 3: "For everything there is an appointed time, and an appropriate time for every activity on earth." She talked about how this man said that the idea of achieving perfect balance wasn't even biblical. Where in the Bible did Jesus exercise balance on earth? He preached to exhaustion and then recuperated in mountainside prayer retreats. He preached until long after the noon hour when the crowd was famished and then, he fed them 'til they were stuffed and there were baskets of food left over. He didn't politely instruct the marketeers defiling the temple that he'd like them to please leave quietly through the left side exit. He turned their money-changing tables upside down and kicked them out on their little hinies. He called stinking dead people from tombs and raised them to new life and He prayed not a little while, but all night at times. Then, he praised Mary for sitting on her duff the entire time He visited saying she chose the more excellent way. Balance? Is it possible that balance is another legalistic man-made attempt at trying to attain perfection and even dare I say it, rightness before God and man when in fact what we are reaching for is unattainable by those of us limited by a human body? (That's all of us.) I'm just asking. Could balance be Satan's newest serpent slithering about the fruit trees of our lives saying, "Are you sure you can't have it all?" And I'm asking because I have to tell you that I've run on the treadmill of the Christian life for many years and I'm watching others run on it now. The problem with running on treadmills is that you don't really get anywhere and if you quit running, you end out moving rapidly backwards until you fall. I'm not into treadmill spirituality. Not anymore. In Christian circles the treadmill runners are often praised for their endurance and commitment, but if they dare stop moving their entire life comes crashing down. I don't know if that's the right idea. I really don't. And I have to wonder what the heart of God is feeling when He gazes at His beautiful creations in heaps before His feet feeling defeated and like failures. Surely He is grieved. So going back to that small verse in Ecclesiastes penned by the inspiration of God, apparently there's an appointment for everything in our lives. And if there's one thing I have learned it's that you when you double-book yourself, you end out missing one appointment or the other. So, is it possible that God's intention for mankind was to dance the rhythm of life--at times fast, at times slow making one appointment at a time? An appointment for healing, an appointment for planting an appointment for uprooting? Was it perhaps God's intention that we live in the freedom of ceasing the juggling act and instead picking up one plate at a time--two if our hands will hold them and that's all? What would it look like if Christians everywhere quit running the treadmill of balance and instead said without apology, "I'm a mother and wife for the next several years so if you want to make it into my palm pilot you'll need to get in line and be ready for a wait because it's going to be a while before I can get to you too." What if Father's said, "I'm a daddy and a husband and so if you want me you'll have to line up behind my wife and kids." Ministries would end. But then maybe we wouldn't need the ministries because we would be making the appointments God already set for us. The face of churches would change. The face of neighborhoods would too though. Because when have you ever looked at a person panting their last breaths on a treadmill and thought that's exactly where I want to be? That's no great advertisement for following the way of Jesus. But when a neighbor sees a family in the backyard throwing the football together, laughing and enjoying their appointment to be a family, well, that is something utterly enticing, now isn't it? Listen. I'm not saying I've gotten anything figured out. I'm just asking the question--is balance biblical? And I don't want pat, pre-fab unthought out answers. This is an invitation to climb out of the "this is what a Christian looks like" box and allow God to speak. Let's just ask Him together, shall we, and see where we land? Pray with me: Lord, show us your heart. Show me what exactly it is that you desire for my life and the lives of those around me. Show us Lord, the appointments for which we were created and empower us to walk away from ideas that are not contained in your heart. Amen.

My Pending File Overfloweth

I have always had some sort of "pending file" that I keep. The contents of course vary from bills awaiting payment, letters yet to be returned and pictures I'd like to blow up and frame. There are weeks on end when that file is nearly empty. I love it when it is like that. At present, I keep the file under my laptop and when it begins to get rather full, the computer totters atop the pile reminding me of contents awaiting my attention. I can't help but draw the comparison between that file and my Christian walk. There are times in the passing of life when I have an overall sense of having figured things out for the most part--times when things make sense, fall into place and God seems pretty tidily summed up. (No doubt those are probably the times when Jesus calls out to heaven, "Look down there in that little town in Georgia--we're fixing to see some sparks! Old Sarah thinks she's got us figured out again.") And then there are seasons when the horizon is a haze. God seems known and yet still unknown and unclear. Present, yes, very present, but just not so neat and tidy. Things don't all make sense--I have more questions than answers and more pending concepts than completed ideas. I don't begrudge these times--they're the Jacob wrestling with God all night sorts of seasons when in the end, I always know that in some way I'll be marked, changed. The change for Jacob was a new name and a limp when he walked signifying to all mankind that he had contended with God. Jacob wasn't exactly worthy of God's blessing in my opinion. After all, he stole his brother's blessing, he favored Rachel's children and had a very dysfunctional family. But God, in His sovereignty and goodness chose to bless a man completely unworthy. The truth is, I'm not much different than Jacob. My life doesn't match his in terms of where I'm weak, but that there is weakness and failure is evident to anyone who knows me. But we kid ourselves if we think that having it all together--an empty pending file if you will--somehow renders us more worthy of God's blessings and presence in our lives. In fact, the more I consider the patriarchs of the Bible the more I see that God blesses those people in spite of who they are and not at all because of who they are. It's so easy to conclude that we need to "be a good Christian" and that in so doing we will find ourselves the recipients of God's goodness. We are the recipients of God's goodness because we choose to accept His goodness first in the form of His Son's finished work on the cross and second in our day to day lives by appropriating the blessings He has already poured out on us. By that I mean to say that "His divine power HAS given us EVERYTHING we need for life and godliness..." (II Pet 1:3) And by appropriate I mean we apply the truths of God's word to our lives like putting moisturizer on our face. We have the moisturizer in our bathroom vanity, but it is only useful if we put it on. It is the same with the blessings of God--they are only useful if we know what they are and choose to put them on. But that they are readily available to all who believe despite how messy or neat their lives are is not ever to be questioned.

Back to the pending file--we all have them. Sometimes they're overflowing and sometimes they're empty, but we have them. There are times in life when things are unfinished and messy but we are loved as much in those moments as we are loved when things are orderly and completed. We journey. We do not arrive here in this life. We journey. And on that journey, we are loved infinitely and completely to such an extent that if we were to grasp utterly the magnitude of that love we would want for nothing. What I hope though is that amidst the seasons when my file is full and there seem to be unfinished items scattered throughout, there will be overwhelming evidence that my wrestling is with a sovereign and good God. It's my prayer that I won't leave the place of those encounters unchanged.

Perhaps you are like me in that there are times when you look around your life and think there's a lot that's left to be done. In those times perhaps the greatest truth we can chew on is this--I am loved. Loved abundantly. Loved utterly. Loved greatly. Loved eternally. Loved unconditionally. Loved amidst the mess.

Pray with me:

Lord, as I look around at the hills I am reminded that my help comes from you--maker of heaven and earth--and maker of the hills. Lord, I know there's not a single thing in the pending file of my life that wasn't first filtered through your hands. Teach me to look not at the hills but at You, The Lover of my Soul. Teach me to surrender to You amidst the wrestling. Amen.

Read with me: II Peter 1: 1-11, Psalm 121